Young.

Things have gotten much better since my last post. Dawson and I are doing well; we even spent the weekend together in San Francisco for Pride. We’re not officially together but we still love one another with everything that we have and after having very long, very intense talks we both decided that it was much better to have one another in our lives than the run away from each other. We both still have issues that we need to work out but I think that this situation will work out for the time being. Dawson does not need to feel trapped and I can figure out who I am just by myself, not by being Ty and Dawson but just… Ty.

Although some would probably frown and wag their finger at reading this, Dawson and I still have a very active sex life (probably better now than it was when we were officially together) and we’ve even branched out and done things that I never thought I could do (can anyone say threesome?).

At the moment I feel happy. Confused, maybe, because I’m learning a lot about myself through the things that we’re going through right now. I’m learning that I’m far different from how I perceive myself, and although my mind is blown away by what I’m finding out, I think that I’m slowly beginning to like myself, my real self. Sure, there are a lot of things about myself that are real that I don’t like that I need to work on, but I’m finding that I do not have as many vices as I once thought. I’m discovering that I’m not really an asshole, just scared (maybe all assholes are?) and that fucking without emotional attachment really isn’t all that hard. Then again, I think that’s a gift that all boys have.

I love Dawson, and he loves me, but we’re smart enough to know that no one can really settled down at twenty; it’s illogical. Dawson and I should get the chance to experiment and have fun. We deserve to be young.

Everyone deserves to be young.

For you I bled myself dry.

My friend Faye told me that I need to write in this more and she’s right. I went into a little neglection mode and now that I feel like every emotion has been drained from my body I have nothing left to do but convey my thoughts before they render my brain completely useless.

My boyfriend and I are officially done. Two days ago he broke up with me under the pretense that he needed to go out and meet new people, have new experiences and the like. Which was probably true. I had seen the break up and the excuse coming so while I was heart broken I was not completely devastated. I took a day to figure out whether we could still be friends, if I could wait for him while he did whatever the fuck that he needed to do and I decided that I could. I would wait. Last night I kissed him, fucked him, did the same again this morning. Because he told me that no matter what he would always be mine and I could always have him. And I was okay with that.

Then today we were leaving an office down where Dawson’s bosses work and he had given me his cell phone to hold. There were tons of texts from a kid named Evan that Dawson said he would ask out. I was curious.

The texts were innocent enough until I saw the ones where Dawson was telling Evan that he missed him and that he loved him. So I slapped Dawson in the face. I screamed at him and yelled at him for playing me. For telling me bullshit and leaving me so that he could play Evan. He said that he didn’t mean it, that he said it because Evan said it to him first and because he felt sorry for the poor pathetic boy who never had a boyfriend. Whatever.

I cried and then I stopped, and then he cried telling me that he was so sorry and that he never meant to hurt me, but it didn’t matter. Nothing he said fixed my heart.

He said that he wasn’t ready, that he tried to be perfect for me and that he failed. And at that point I realized the second half of something that maybe I should have figured out a long time ago. Dawson is perfect for me, just not right now. He says that he is not mature enough for me, and for the first time I believe him. He cannot keep himself from fucking up. From hurting me.

And although we “broke up” two days ago, I feel like this is the real break up, the complete severing of our relationship. And it’s sad, so sad, because all I want to do is be with him now and hold him and forgive him, but I know that I can’t. It would not be helping anything.

I left him crying on the floor of his bedroom. I did not want to go but I had to, there was not much of a choice. I still have school to go to, still have small things that I need to do. The world doesn’t stop because there’s a hole in my chest.

Maybe, one day, Dawson and I can be friends again. Whether that’s a few weeks, months or years from now I don’t know. I’m too hurt to deal with it. Whether or not we’ll ever be together again… I don’t know. If Dawson can change and be an adult then maybe. Hopefully. But to save myself from more heartbreak I won’t keep my hopes up. I can’t allow myself to be optimistic anymore.

Two things I know: I still love him, and I’ve never felt more alone than at this one moment.

Drowning.

I feel so. fucking. weak.
I’m waiting for the worms to feed on my flesh.
I’m useless. Pointless. One big fucking flaw.
When did I become lower than dirt?

Your typical work rant and a healthy dose of self hate.

I kinda sorta maybe hate my new manager.

She randomly appeared at our store about a week ago, her presence simultaneously prophesying the disappearance of our assistant manager. He was shipped off to another store because apparently, they suck, and they need him much more than we do at our supermarvelous store.

Whee.

I’m not sure why I dislike the new manager so much. Maybe it is because she loves to pretend that she knows exactly what she is doing despite the fact that she has no clue.

Or perhaps it is because she likes to tell me how to do things that I have been doing for months, things I knew how to do before our old manager even got hired.

Maybe it is because she doesn’t understand how it takes more than thirty minutes to close the store when she gives us about 239234084 other things to do besides the regular closing procedures.

Or maybe it is just because looking at her just makes me mad.

Now, I suppose that I should not really have all that much of a problem with her, because she is a nice woman in some way, I’m sure, but I have to admit that knowing that the nicest and best sales person in our store (the same girl that gets along with just about everyone) dislikes her probably more than I do does make me feel just the tiniest bit less guilty.

I need to find a new job. Chances are I’d land a job with a boss that I despise even more, but I think the benefits of working closer to Dawson and getting paid more (hopefully) would be enough to make me clench my teeth and bear the awfulness of it all.

Oh, young adulthood is definitely awesome. Fer sure.

By the way, the most self-damaging feeling in the world: Looking for the biggest pants size in the store, buying them and taking them home (sure that they would fit you) and finding that once you get home those huge pants are too small.

I’m bored. And quizzes are abundant.

So, I have a category called “Quizzes” but I only have one quiz result in there. What kind of fucking quiz page is that? It’s 12h26 AM and I don’t really have anything else do to or anything profound to write about. So instead I’m going to amuse myself with a few quizzes and post them here. In my blog.

Shut up. This is important stuff, okay?

Your Animal is the Adder

You are mentally sharp. You have an amazing memory, and you’re a shrewd problem solver. You are a natural healer, and you are drawn toward taking care of people. Your family is the most important thing to you. You feel lost without them. You are drawn to the mystical and magical. You find the paranormal to be useful in understanding the world.

You Are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostalgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment… even those from long ago.