Distraction.

When I stare into the sun, rainbows dance along my eyelashes.

They don’t love you like I love you.

It’s list time again! I finished my ridiculously easy biology homework and although I have to get up early to be in my biology lab at 7h30 tomorrow morning, I’m not all too keen on crawling into bed just yet. I have been adding to this list very slowly for the past few weeks and think that I should just throw it in here before it begins to decay and make my computer smell like ass.

Unlike my other lists, this one is in no particular order, pretty much because I could not decide which songs I liked better over others. The list is pretty much in the order of “whatever the fuck came to Ty’s head first.” Which is decent enough, if you ask me. The pictures are related to the songs in the way that they abstractly represent how I feel when I’m listening to the song. You’ll find that my tastes are incredibly eclectic, however I do have a certain leaning so I apologize if you hate every single song on this list.

Wait, no, I don’t apologize. This is my list. If you don’t like it then boohoo for you. Anyway, allons-y, mes amis!

“Maps” – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I remember first hearing this song maybe four or five years ago when it came out and instantly fell in love with it. Karen O has an amazing voice and when you listen to the song and watch the music video and look at her face as she sings, you can hear/see the sincerity of her words. I’ve heard stories about the song and why it is called “Maps,” one of the theories being that Karen’s boyfriend, Angus, was breaking up with her in order to tour with his band. “Maps” is supposedly an acronym for “My Angus, please stay,” but I have no idea whether that is true or not. Either way, it’s a lovely song with a beautiful and bittersweet message. I think everyone, once they fall in love, at one point or another, one hundred percent relates with this song. They don’t love you like I love you.

“Get Low” – Lil’ Jon & the Eastside Boyz
You’re probably a little surprised that this song would come directly after “Maps,” but I told you that my tastes were rather varied. Let me just say that you don’t know Ty until this fucking song comes on. I go crazy. This song is my sexy, filthy, dirty dancing anthem. When I hear this song I cannot help but start rotating my hips and singing at the top of my lungs. Well, if you want to call it singing. I don’t think that you do. But regardless, I love this song. The half-black part of me comes out when I hear shit this good. I don’t care who you are, you can dance to this song, and you will dance to this song if I’m around. It’s definitely unavoidable.

“Very Busy People” – The Limousines
Yes, I understand that the title of the song and I understand that the picture that I put up alongside it is pretty contradictory to the title, but just give me a second to explain myself. Although not many people may have realized this yet, this song is the anthem of the entire Y generation. This song EXPLAINS MY FUCKING LIFE, PEOPLE. And the lives of pretty much every person my age that I know. It probably helps that the guys that made this song come from the same city that Dawson grew up in, so they probably have similar mindsets and understand life around here, but whatever. To be honest, I’m pretty sure that this song was written by one of my friends and he’s just been too much of a bitch to tell me yet. That’s how ridiculously close I feel to this song.

“Pardon Me” – Incubus
Incubus is my favorite band of all time, so they were certainly bound to come up eventually. “Pardon Me” is one of my escapist songs. It allows me to let my mind and all of my thoughts ooze out of my stressed out brain and just calm down. It is a song that represents intensity to me, a song that expresses all of my bottled up emotions and how they’re always dying to burst out of me. Incubus has a way of saying what I want to say or at least what I’m thinking, and Brandon Boyd’s voice just delivers everything so beautifully it is a wonder how anyone can dislike Incubus and everything that they have to offer. Just lovely.

“Freak on a Leash” – Korn
OH HEY NUDITY. Sorry, was the warning too late? Oh well. Anyway, I talked about this song briefly in another post (I’d like it but I honestly doubt that you really care) and totally thought that it should be on this list. I really don’t like Korn all that much, but this song is just genius. To be honest, I never truly appreciated the song until I played it in Guitar Hero: World Tour and it was the one song that made me feel like a real rock star above all others. It’s impossible to not feel hardcore while listening to “Freak on a Leash.” It’s just too good. Despite the fact that the song is really just a big “fuck you,” it makes me feel badass. It makes me feel intense and it makes me feel sexy. You have to admit that there’s nothing better than a song that makes you feel like you have the biggest balls in the world. “Feel” being the operative word here, since actually having the biggest balls in the world would totally suck.

“Special K” – Placebo
Like the song says, there’s no escaping gravity. When listening to this song I cannot help but just fall into it completely. It’s like I collapse into Brian Molko’s voice, but a pleasant sort collapse that doesn’t leave me frightened and with a huge headache when I wake up. If that makes any sense whatsoever, which I’m sure it doesn’t. Although this is completely unrelated, I have to admit that I also like the song simply for its title, which reminds me of one of my favorite books: Party Monster (formerly printed as Disco Bloodbath) by James St James. He talks about his experiences with ketamine (also known as “special k”) and the infamous k-hole. Which definitely does not sound as pleasant as this song does. How can you not help but love Placebo? They’re absolutely fantastic and this song always makes me feel just darn serene, even if it isn’t exactly supposed to.

“Just Lose It” – Eminem
Now, this song doesn’t exactly make me want to scream like an ape (intense, isn’t it?) but it does make me want to go all primal and whatnot. You know. Just ’cause I can. I know every single word to this song, and there are quite a bit of them, and all of my close friends know every word to this song because they’re just as fucking awesome as I am. I’ve always loved Eminem and despite the fact that some people find him ridiculously offensive and the like, I’ve always enjoyed his songs (both the funny and serious ones). I think that the reason that Eminem actually managed to be so successful as a white rapper is because he’s genius and actually had something different to offer. I doubt Dr Dre would have helped the white boy out otherwise. Anyway, this song is hilarious and awesome and it should be appreciated by all generations for the rest of time so there.

“You’ll Rebel to Anything (As Long as It’s Not Challenging)” – Mindless Self Indulgence
This is the first song that I ever heard from the awesome band MSI, and even years later I cannot help but laugh every time that I hear it. The lyrics say everything that I have ever wanted to say to the whiny, bitchy, fake emo kids that run around the suburbs talking about how dreadfully awful their upper middle class life is. Notice in the picture that I used of the boy “cutting” himself that there is a bottle of ketchup on the table.  That’s totally the type of shit that I’m talking about. Cutting isn’t cool, your life doesn’t suck anymore than anyone else’s and honestly? I’m sure that with all your bitching you’ve managed to get enough people to wish that you would actually just swallow a bottle of pills someday. MSI is known for mocking their fans and making fun of them at every chance, which I actually find ridiculously awesome. If you can appreciate your fans and still point out their faults at the same time then you’re pretty (genuinely) hardcore.

“Obstacle 1″ – Interpol
This is another song that I fell in love with thanks to Guitar Hero. To be perfectly honest, I have no fucking clue why this song makes me feel like standing in the rain; it just seemed to fit while I was listening to it. This is my favorite song to play in the game (for much different reasons than “Freak on a Leash,” I can assure you). It’s just so fucking appealing to my ears that I cannot understand how anyone could dislike it. I even created a singer in Guitar Hero that looks exactly like the lead singer from Interpol. Yes, they inspired me that much. There’s really not that much that I can say about “Obstacle 1.” It’s just one of those songs that is beautiful for the sake of being beautiful. I don’t mind that.

“Sweetness” – Jimmy Eat World
Jimmy Eat World is one of those bands where you forget how amazing they are until six months later when you hear one of their songs on a random chance and you remember how much you love them. This is my official “sing as loudly as humanly possible” song and I cannot resist screaming, “ARE YOU LISTENING?” because it’s such a pertinent question, isn’t it? Asking if you’re listening in a song… come on, IT’S GENIUS. I was slightly disappointed to see that their song “The Middle” was on Guitar Hero instead of this song, but I suppose that we cannot get everything that we want. Although, I know that I would have done brilliantly if I could have sung this song into that heavy G.H. microphone.

“Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too” – Say Anything
Aw, isn’t it nice when my pictures are actually related to the song? I thought so. I saw Say Anything about a year and a half ago at the Fillmore in San Francisco and they were absolutely amazing. Sure, the crowd was filled with a bunch of annoying high school kids who had absolutely no concert etiquette, but whatever. This is another good “sing as loud as you can” song and I make sure that Say Anything can hear me sing the hell out of this song no matter where they are. Besides, any band that has a sense of humor is simply gold in my book, and just watching their video for “Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too” will show you that these boys like to have fun. What more can I ask for?

“12 Inch” – DJ Inphinity
A lot of people do not like/understand techno, and even I did not get it before my friend Oli introduced me to some pretty badass shit. Like DJ Inphinity. For me, “12 Inch” is one of the best–if not the best–techno beat ever. Some people might think that it is repetitive or whatever but there is something just enthralling about the build up of the song, especially when after what seems like a lifetime of waiting you finally get to the heart pumping bass and from that point on you’re just a slave to the fucking music. But serious, folks, how can you not love a song where really the only line is, “Bitch, suck my twelve inch”?

“Crash Into Me” – Dave Matthews Band
This is without a doubt one of my favorite songs of all time. This song is love, romance, adoration and sex all rolled up into one euphoric mixture of notes and lyrics. Whenever I hear this song I am reminded of my lover, I’m reminded of how wonderful it feels to have him wrapped up in my arms, I’m reminded of how perfect it feels to be inside of him. If you actually listen to the lyrics, you’ll realize that this song is filthy; just another reason to adore it. If I had actually decided to make this a numbered list, “Crash Into Me” would have most certainly made the top three. If I was not in love with someone, this song would make me want to be. Sweet you rock and sweet you roll, baby.

I’m sure that this list could really be infinite if I wanted it to be, however I think that I shall end it here. Thirteen seems like a good enough number, doesn’t it?

Until next time.

Things are looking up from here.

There are a few things going on in my life that are mildly interesting (or super duper mega crazy interesting, depending on how you look at it). I had an interview for an assistant manager position at a smoothie place near my house last Thursday and I’m waiting for the manager to call me back. I’m seriously hoping that I get this job. I need to get away from my silly little chocolate store, I need to get a higher wage and I need a new environment. I want to have more responsibility and feel like I’m actually doing something useful. I want to get home from work and feel accomplished. I think having this higher position will really help me feel better about myself, not to mention give me a little extra money that I can save up, which is almost impossible on my current salary. Cross your fingers for me.

Tomorrow Dawson and I are going to speak to my human sexuality class about being transgender. My teacher, Jennifer, had us write a paper on our sexual values, just to get an idea of where all of us students were at and I mentioned the alternative gender thing in my paper when talking about a number of issues. At the end of my paper Jennifer had asked me if Dawson and I would like to speak for the class, for she thought that it would be much better for everyone to learn from first hand experience instead of just watching a movie about the topic.  I called Dawson the second that I got out of class and asked him if he wanted to do it and he agreed; I felt my heart flutter. I’m not sure why, but talking to the class was (and still is) extremely important to me. I love educating people and letting them ask questions so that they can get the correct answers instead of just hearing crappy ones from people who do not actually know what the fuck they’re talking about. I think that the talk will go extremely well; everyone in the class seems pretty open-minded and willing to learn. I’m nervous, but excited as well.

Speaking of Dawson, we’re officially back together again, under the condition that as long as I exercise and take care of myself we’ll be together. He gave me kind of an ultimatum last night and I agreed. It’s the motivation I need to actually begin taking care of myself, something that I should probably learn how to do as early as possible before I end up having two heart attacks like my biological father, or diabetes like my paternal grandmother. Dawson  makes me want to live forever.

I have never loved anyone as much as I love him.

And… I don’t want to die.

Honestly?

Sometimes, you can be a real jerk.

And even though I hate it when you act this way, I still love you with all my heart.

So, you know. Just keep that in mind.

Can I just get a job where I work ALL BY MYSELF?

Instead of writing this whole thing again, I’m just going to post the same thing that I posted earlier today on Surreal*Twilight because, as we all know, I’m lazy:

I am fucking SICK AND TIRED of bitchy, irresponsible coworkers that act like they’re the only ones that freaking matter IN THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD. In case you don’t realize it, assholes, what you do actually affects the people around you. Why don’t you grow up and have some bloody CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

Example: I was originally scheduled to work at 5:30pm today, which is cool because I would only have to work four hours until the mall closed and I could actually relax today, since I rarely get days where I’m not either working or going to school. But then, one my coworkers had to throw a freaking fit and bounced after working only about THREE FREAKING HOURS because she is mad at our manager for whatever reason and now I have to come in three hours early to cover her ass.

Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but I’ve been dealing with this crap for over a year and I’m so tired of it. Whenever someone decides to be a jerk and just leave or not show up for work at all, GUESS WHO THEY CALL? ME. IT’S ALWAYS FREAKING ME. I’m always the one that people are begging to take shifts, I’m always the one that has to cover for assholes who decide that just because it’s their last day of work that they don’t need to show up, I’m the one that everyone in the store complains to whenever they have a problem over something that is 75% of the time totally ridiculous, I’m always the one that has to clean up other people’s obnoxious messes and I’m so freaking DONE with it.

I’m tired of being the “nice person” that deals with everyone else and gets no fucking respect or thanks for it. I’m tired of being taken for granted as the only person THAT’S ALWAYS WILLING TO HELP PEOPLE despite the fact that they’re total jerkfaces.

So honestly, should I even bother putting up with this? Is it really worth all of the good karma I get back helping these ungrateful douches or should I just tell them to go fuck off? How the hell does one even begin to deal with people like this?