For you I bled myself dry.

My friend Faye told me that I need to write in this more and she’s right. I went into a little neglection mode and now that I feel like every emotion has been drained from my body I have nothing left to do but convey my thoughts before they render my brain completely useless.

My boyfriend and I are officially done. Two days ago he broke up with me under the pretense that he needed to go out and meet new people, have new experiences and the like. Which was probably true. I had seen the break up and the excuse coming so while I was heart broken I was not completely devastated. I took a day to figure out whether we could still be friends, if I could wait for him while he did whatever the fuck that he needed to do and I decided that I could. I would wait. Last night I kissed him, fucked him, did the same again this morning. Because he told me that no matter what he would always be mine and I could always have him. And I was okay with that.

Then today we were leaving an office down where Dawson’s bosses work and he had given me his cell phone to hold. There were tons of texts from a kid named Evan that Dawson said he would ask out. I was curious.

The texts were innocent enough until I saw the ones where Dawson was telling Evan that he missed him and that he loved him. So I slapped Dawson in the face. I screamed at him and yelled at him for playing me. For telling me bullshit and leaving me so that he could play Evan. He said that he didn’t mean it, that he said it because Evan said it to him first and because he felt sorry for the poor pathetic boy who never had a boyfriend. Whatever.

I cried and then I stopped, and then he cried telling me that he was so sorry and that he never meant to hurt me, but it didn’t matter. Nothing he said fixed my heart.

He said that he wasn’t ready, that he tried to be perfect for me and that he failed. And at that point I realized the second half of something that maybe I should have figured out a long time ago. Dawson is perfect for me, just not right now. He says that he is not mature enough for me, and for the first time I believe him. He cannot keep himself from fucking up. From hurting me.

And although we “broke up” two days ago, I feel like this is the real break up, the complete severing of our relationship. And it’s sad, so sad, because all I want to do is be with him now and hold him and forgive him, but I know that I can’t. It would not be helping anything.

I left him crying on the floor of his bedroom. I did not want to go but I had to, there was not much of a choice. I still have school to go to, still have small things that I need to do. The world doesn’t stop because there’s a hole in my chest.

Maybe, one day, Dawson and I can be friends again. Whether that’s a few weeks, months or years from now I don’t know. I’m too hurt to deal with it. Whether or not we’ll ever be together again… I don’t know. If Dawson can change and be an adult then maybe. Hopefully. But to save myself from more heartbreak I won’t keep my hopes up. I can’t allow myself to be optimistic anymore.

Two things I know: I still love him, and I’ve never felt more alone than at this one moment.